nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
