What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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