I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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