I think im going to throw up on grandma
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
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and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
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WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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