he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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