There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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