I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
