i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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