Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
