1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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