My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Come on in and take your pants off
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