I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
