I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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