Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I faked an abortion last night.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
