I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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