you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
