i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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