oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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