this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
