So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
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I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
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He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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