My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
