Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
