Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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