we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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