why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
