Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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