i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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