I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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