I'm going to jail i love you
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
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I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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