Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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