Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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