i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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