1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
