you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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