we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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