Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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