i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There r osticjed everywhere
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
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