I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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