i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
