First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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