I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
