Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
