If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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