Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I understand Curling. That high.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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