The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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