Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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