I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My boob is missing a layer of skin
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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