so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
