The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
