Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
