Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
