Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
