I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
