She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
