I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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