your parents love me but you hate me
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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