I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
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I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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