My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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